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Short version: Grew up on farm, parents rudely had 6 more children - wasn't I enough???? - and we all relocated to a new house at the other end of the property. Three years ago the original house came up for sale. I bought it (it still had our names written on the butcher shop walls!!) Oh-my-God-what-have-I-done!!!!!!!!!
One completely dilapidated 1936 house on 50 acres. Just enough land to cause trouble, but not enough to actually make a living.
I'm terrible at gardening (the yard needed a complete overhaul). I hate being alone (I knew no-one except my parents - 3 miles away). And I'm terrified of the dark (and this is the house that made me terrified of the dark. Memo to parents: When you're heading off to the hospital to have Child #5, DO NOT wake up Child #1 - that would be me - to tell them you're leaving them all alone in the scary, dark, creaking farmhouse to go give birth - oh and by the way, you're in charge of making sure the boogie monster doesn't eat Children #2 through 4).
So there I was. Back on the farm. 50 acres of weeds. No friends.
Until my city friends came to visit!
Me: My city friends came to visit!
Dad: The test isn't whether they come. The test is whether they come back. (This from the man who - when I tell him about the latest weird things the chooks have done, replies: 'You've got to remember (Cattle Baroness), those chooks are smarter than you are'.
Hmmm... thanks Dad. It doesn't help that he's right. About the chooks.
But not about the guests! City people, it turns out, are suckers for punishment. Strapped to their office desks all day, they pine for a life where they're out in the great outdoors, under the blue cloudless sky, working up a sweat to earn their sunset drinks and wholesome meals. In short, they are farm fodder.
Somehow, during 2010, guests started reading other guest entries in the visitor's book and what started as healthy oneupmanship turned into all out do-or-die competition to be the Best Guest for 2010. It grew so competitive I had to have sections: Singles, Couples, Newly Lesbian Couple, Newlyweds (a friend who started as a single and - after single-handedly destroying the herb garden - made the clever move of hooking up with someone much more helpful to return in a different category (Melba Toast, you know who you are.)
So now it's 2011. Competition has begun for Best Guest 2011. May the best single/couple/lesbian win...
